Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
