I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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