Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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