I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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