i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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