Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
