Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
