last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
