Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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