He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
