we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
