I CAN MOONWALK!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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