we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You can't special order awesome
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
