Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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