so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I don't deserve a penis
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
