you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I cut my penus on the lid.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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