No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
