i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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