Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
