Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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