look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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