i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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