1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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