I hate all girls vehemently.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
