ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
