Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
