Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
