your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
