I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My bed smells like the plague
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
