Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
