GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
