im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
