so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
