just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
