please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
