what day is it and did you see me today?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
