i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
