I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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