She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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