U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
