I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
