First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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