drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
