You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
