I cut my penus on the lid.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
