and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
