When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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