I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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