Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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