I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
