He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
